Why do we think that other people can answer our questions better than we can?
Why are we always giving our power away like this?
I mean, just because someone can look at our relationship situation dispassionately does NOT mean that they know what answer is going to work best for us.
That’s what I say, anyway, because I believe we already know the answers to any questions or problem situations that seem to exist in our lives. We’re all pretty smart, really, if only we’d trust ourselves a bit more.
And if we get it wrong, sometimes, we get it wrong. Hey, what would you have learnt about walking or talking if you were never able to make a mistake as a child?
Anyway, it seems that people do give their power (wisdom) away, especially when it comes to relationship questions. “Please help me!”, they urge, when if they just trusted their own inner wisdom a bit more they’d find their own answer soon enough.
Thus this article…
So, according to the relationship advice forum I’ve been running since 2011 (and a few other reliable online relationship resources), these are the top 10 relationship questions that people seem to be asking:
1. Are they interested in me?
2. Why won’t they commit to me?
3. How to deal with controlling relationships?
4. Why don’t they trust me?
5. How far should I travel for love?
6. How can I get them to… ?
7. Importance of sex in relationships?
8. How do I learn to trust again?
9. Why do we keep breaking up?
10. Should I leave them?
(Nicely sum up the path that most relationships take, don’t they, these relationship questions.)
I’m going to spend the rest of this relationship questions article briefly answering these questions, by way of generalisation, but also in such a way that helps you find your own answers. Because, in truth, only you know what’s going to work for you in your relationship.
Okay, let’s go then…
“Sometimes love isn’t fireworks, sometimes love just comes softly.” — Janette Oke
Question 1. Are they interested in me?
Hmm, there really is ONLY one way to find out if someone is interested in you, I think you’ll agree, and it isn’t asking me or a friend or even a friend of the person you’re interested in. Ask the person directly, and find out for yourself!
The thing about relationships is that they have to involve some element of risk for them to be worthwhile being involved with. That’s just how it works. And that risk is quite often evident at the beginning of a relationship.
“Oh no!”, you think to yourself, “I asked her out and she’s just not interested in me! What will I do?” You’ll live, that’s what you’ll do, and you’ll start to feel stronger in who you are as a man or as a woman because you act on your convictions.
Question 2. Why won’t they commit to me?
It is said that men are commitment-phobes, and maybe they are in comparison to women who knows. But, usually, when someone doesn’t want to commit to a person, or a course of action, it’s because they’re not sure it’s the right thing to do. It’s that simple. Now the reason why they’re not sure, that might take some finding out, and is beyond the scope of this relationship questions article, but you will be able to find out via good communication.
So talk to this person, and see what their concerns are. Listen, but listen well, and learn.
Time for another quote about relationships, I think:
“When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.” — Warren Farrell
Question 3. How to deal with controlling relationships?
Hmm, the need to control comes from a false belief that that’s the only way to get what a person wants from someone. They don’t know any better, basically. And if you can show this person that they really can trust you (that they really can trust themselves) in this relationship then you might, just might, be able to help this person let go of their controlling behaviour.
Question 4. Why don’t they trust me?
Usually, a person doesn’t trust someone because they don’t trust themselves.
Example. I’m worried that my woman might be cheating on me, say, and so I check up on her all the time (and I start to be the type of controlling man in Q3.) And I do this because I wrongly believe I won’t be able to cope if she IS cheating. I’m worrying myself over something that’s probably not going to happen ‘just in case’. But if I believed in myself, trusted myself to be enough, I’d be far more likely to trust my woman. And if she ends up cheating on me, then I know I’ll be able to cope with the situation, know it’s her and not me. I move on. I don’t take it personally. Simple.
Question 5. How far should I travel for love?
There are those that say that long distance relationships don’t work, that sooner or later someone will have to move to the other person’s locale; and on that day the balance of power will have irrevocably shifted.
What do I say? I say that you should find a quiet space in yourself, and ask yourself whether this person is worth it, whether the distance is worth it. And each person will have their own answers, here…
Question 6. How can I get them to… ?
Hmm, isn’t it interesting how these relationship questions overlap. This sounds suspiciously like the other side of the controlling question (see Q3).
A better question would be, “Why do you want them to… ?”. Find out the answer to that question, with some honest self-examination, and then share the results with your partner. I will help the both of you, for sure, doing so.
After all good communication like this is at the heart of healthy relationships, no?
Question 7. Importance of sex in relationships?
How important is sex in a relationship? Very. Or not at all.
Seriously, this is a question to ask yourself. Again, quieten your mind for a few moments and ask this of yourself (if you don’t know already). Then listen to the answers that come. It’s called intuition, this, and is a far better source of wisdom than some random article on the Internet claiming to know all the answers (to the top 10 relationship questions).
Note: I find a little bit of self-effacement always helps in relationships. Well, definitely in article writing, anyway.
Oh, and when you know whether it’s important or not, then that’s your answer no matter what other people think (including your partner).
Question 8. How do I learn to trust again?
Relationships bring risk. There are no guarantees. Nothing, least of all relationships, is certain.
Understand these things, and know that you cannot know how a relationship will work out. And then, then you’ll know it’s time to get involved again, time to take risks. (Listening to the wisdom you’ve accrued from making previous mistakes, I politely suggest.)
Now, time for another relationship quote:
“We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.” — Walter Anderson
Question 9. Why do we keep breaking up?
Love and relationships can do that to you, sometimes – mess you up! And it can be oh so frustrating.
Basically speaking, your relationship’s not working. And, more importantly, you’re not working – you’re not listening to your inner wisdom enough, here, and you’re not trusting that whatever happens in this relationship – you break up, you get back together – that things will be okay. They will. Just trust yourself more. Things will be okay. They will.
Question 10. Should I leave them?
(Really, you need to find some quiet time here and answer this question for yourself. Nobody knows better than you, whether you should leave someone or no! Not your Mum, not your best friend, and not your partner. You know best. Always. But only when you quieten your mind, make some space, and let the wisdom come through… )
Actually that last bit sums up any relationship wisdom I could ever wish to share with someone: you already know, you just think you don’t! Make time for yourself, let go of the chattering/fearful thinking, and see what ‘inner knowing’ comes in its place.